http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Be_Geekier_Than_Thou

Want to impress a fanboy? Airily dismiss all of his cherished touchstones. Tear down those idols with these brutal zingers.

Battlestar Galactica I liked it better when it was a cheesy Mormon metaphor, not a cheesy al Qaeda metaphor.

Twitter What I'm doing is too interesting to encapsulate in 140 characters.

Family Guy This just in: Non sequiturs aren't endlessly amusing.

Doctor Who In the UK, it's regarded as a "children's programme."

iPhone I'll wait for open source Android, thanks.

Judd Apatow Wish fulfillment for dorks: Loser gets beautiful girl.

Nerdcore Rapping about C++? I give that an F-minus-minus.

Heroes I can read Jack Kirby's entire oeuvre before the next plot point.

Manga South Koreans are doing more interesting graphic novels these days.

Star Wars Midi-chlorians. Nuff said.

Wired magazine You still read stuff printed on paper? Are you Amish?

X-Files It was no Kolchak.

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Be Understood at ComicCon

http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Be_Understood_at_ComicCon

 

Illustration: Nick Dewar

"Worst. Episode. Ever." Elvish: Anfaika. Tyalie. Oio. 1337: omg.epic.fail. Klingon: chovnatlh. qabqu'. rIntaH. Pirate: Arrrh, 'twas by far the scurviest installment that e'er I laid eyes on!

Illustration: Nick Dewar

"I have to go to the bathroom. Will you help me to remove my Stormtrooper armor?" Elvish: Horyan karita nén. Á aukola ambassenya Húrohosséva ránin. 1337: brb bio.unzip pls? Klingon: puch vIlo'nIS. may'luchwIj vIteq 'e' HIboQ. Pirate: Arrrh, can ye help me shuck this scurvy husk so's I can unleash a deluge?

Illustration: Nick Dewar

"You call this near-mint condition? It has a peanut butter stain!" Elvish: Estatyes alahasta? Vahtana ná apsanen! 1337: nm!? roflmao, stainzzors!!1! wtf? Klingon: pupbe' Dochvam. lam. Pirate: Arrrh, this pamphlet's woefully besmirched, ye scurvy knave.

Illustration: Nick Dewar

"Careful! That lightsaber cost $400!" Elvish: Á tira! Sina kalamakil ammirwa ná! 1337: my0b n00b! m4h s4br3s t3h $p3n$iv3 Klingon: yIyep! waghqu' Dochvam. Pirate: Arrrh, that there energy cutlass cost me a hogshead full o' guineas!

Thanks to d'Armond Speers of the Klingon Language Institute and Carl F. Hostetter of the Elvish Linguistic Fellowship for their assistance

(All text and artwork shared under a Creative Commons License)